Being Different
As a youngster up until the age of 12, I
was aware of being different to my peers especially in the classroom where much
of my time was spent.Beyond the age of 12 I became more aware than ever that I was different but this was from the age of about 16. Beyond that there were some stressful times but this article is about how I saw myself when I was very young.
Awareness of
being different from the age of five
For as long as I
can remember ie from about the age of five at school I knew I was one of those
children who must never do anything to annoy anyone. This way I had the best
chance of avoiding being beaten up. Not long after I started primary school a
girl in my class would wait for me outside the playground and push and punch
me. I have no idea why she did this and imagine it was just because I was a bit
different to the others. I think I was a gentle child and if I did say anything
to hurt her I probably wasn’t aware of it or unaware of the consequences. I
mainly feared the boys in the class who seemed to make it clear as can be that
I was different. It wasn’t long before this girl vanished from the class and I
think she was a troubled person.
Awareness of
being very shy in comparison to my classmates
I was very aware
of being seen as extremely shy and probably this was due to people telling me
this. Being shy seemed to be seen as a positive thing and I guess it still is
in a way. Recently I have been in touch with old school mates who remember me
as terribly shy.
Awareness of
being thoughtful to people from age of about eight
At primary school
I was aware of being thoughtful towards others instead of judging them. I don’t
think this is a trait that would normally be connected with an autistic child
but I was. Sometimes a learning disabled teenager would come walking into the
school across the playground and I can remember thinking it was just awful that
the children all ran screaming into the corridor. One day I decided to remain
where I was sitting in the shelter and I was the only child left in the
playground. The teenage lad just looked over, waved and walked on towards the
entrance into the school building.
I can remember a
teacher leading him out and glaring at me as if I was mad or maybe she thought
I was trying to provoke him. She certainly appeared to think I was odd. I got
up and walked back into the school myself quite calm. I was also a bit relieved
that I had judged the panicking girls correctly and had come to no harm. Years
later as an adult I would sometimes sit beside this lad on the bus as he worked
in town. He usually sat on his own and I enjoyed chatting to him.
Awareness of
being slow from age of about six
Many autistics don’t
like the idea of the condition being linked to a learning disability but I felt
as though I had a learning disability. I felt this way from about the age of
eight. I was often in the bottom group and now wonder how many others in that
group were on the spectrum. My mother was often summoned to the school and told
there was something wrong with my intellect. The other pupils in my class
seemed to be so quick thinking in comparison to myself. I really felt as though
I was ‘slow’ as it was referred to then.
I was aware of
being very good at some things in comparison to my class mates 8 to 12.
We got various
arts and crafts like knitting in the 60’s and early 70’s and I seemed to be almost as good if not
better than the teacher was which didn’t go down well. I also enjoyed sewing
and with any craft like that I would be away ahead of most of my classmates. I
found arts and crafts so relaxing too.
I also knew I was
good at solo sport activities and some playground games. I could jump hundreds
of times without falling on my pogo stick, spin the hula hoop hundreds of times
too, excel at handstands, gymnastics and that sort of thing. I was awful at
group games though ie skipping ropes were one person jumped into the rope after
another and my classmates would get mad at me for catching my feet on the rope.
On my own I was able to skip at a fast rate doing all sorts of tricks though. I
didn’t have dyspraxia or I would have been unable to do these solo activities
so well. Games of marbles with a second person seemed to work better for me.
I also learned
that often others don’t like it if you are good at something and this has
served me well. It isn’t always good to let on or to be just too good at the
thing you do well as that can go against you and needs to be played down. I
find this really sad as for so many autistics we could do with something to
show off and be proud of.
I was aware of
my teachers not liking me much from age seven
I think I can
remember two teachers in my primary school years who seemed to like and approve
of me. The rest of them didn’t give me that impression and some made me feel
different to others. It was very obvious that there were favourites. It didn’t
always seem to be the clever children who were the favourites but more those
who seemed a bit more mature.
I was unaware
of any girls in my class being interested in boys although they were at the age
of about 12
I recently
discovered through being in touch with a number of girls who were in my class towards
the end of my primary school years that the topic of boyfriends was a hot one.
I was oblivious to this. I had no interest in any of the boys in my school. My
interests were animals and nature. One
day a group of the rougher boys knocked at my door asking if I would go out
with them for the day. I remember feeling as though I didn’t want to but had to
in the way that I would do anything just to avoid any type of bullying. I
couldn’t figure out if they were being kind by inviting me or trying to trick
me but luckily my mother intervened. She appeared at the door and told them
there was no way I was going out with them.
I was aware
that I wasn’t clever although on hindsight this was wrong from age of about
eight
I knew that in
comparison to most of my classmates I wasn’t doing well in classwork. I now realize
why this was and my concentration and memory were very poor. Strangely enough
when I reached around the age of ten my ability to perform well in my school
work dramatically improved and I began to gradually get better and better marks
in tests. In my second year at secondary school I won a prize for my ability
which I would never have believed would happen.
I was aware of
finding it very hard to read out loud and couldn’t understand why this was from
age of eight.
I was aware of
finding it much more difficult to remember my arithmetic times-tables in
comparison to everyone in my class at age of about eight.
Everyone else
would be sitting doing their work and I would be made to stand on my own reciting
them to the teacher and the rest of the class. I think I probably was able to
do these – eventually, but would have been much slower than everyone else
especially having to multi-task by reading out loud, remembering, calculating
in my head etc. All this at the same time as being an extremely nervous child
who was prone to being made fun of.
These things all
were clear to me before the age of twelve when I moved to secondary school. The
children who I felt comfortable with like so many autistics were those who were
younger. Younger children liked my company and made me feel good. They also had
similar interests to myself.
There were animals
in the school in those days. How I would have loved to have been given the task
of caring for them all. There were plants to be looked after too and I would have
enjoyed that. I could have taught the younger children how to do all sorts of
activities. I could have helped decorate the classrooms with the children’s art
work. I doubt my classmates would have liked that though and it would probably
have led to me being bullied and I managed to escape with not too much of that
by knowing my place.
Despite a
stressful time, I had an awful lot of fun as a young person and especially with
the family pets and energetic activities which really helped my stress levels. As
a primary school child I even cared for the garden and that was relaxing and
enjoyable.
I don’t know how
common it is for very young children to be aware of being different to this
degree. I didn’t feel that different to other members of my family thank
goodness.
